Back in highschool I had this friend who was an absolute perfectionist. There were a number of different ways that her perfectionism showed itself, but it was especially prominent when it came to school and her grades.  I’ll never forget sitting beside her in class and just being mesmerized by her flawless handwritten notes that were, of course, neatly color-coordinated.

I will also never forget the moments transpired after every returned assignment or test. We’d go around saying what we got with fluctuations of shame, contentment, and excitement:

“23 out of 30! I’ll take it.” my other friend would say.
“15” I would sheepishly mumble.
We’d then turn to our friend who was feverishly skimming over her assignment.
“What did you get?”, one of us would say.
“This doesn’t make any sense! I just thought I would do so much better. I need to talk to the teacher.”
*I peered over her should to see the grade*
“28 out of 30! Are you kidding me!? What are you worried about?”

She would then head over to the teacher’s desk to ask what she did wrong. A few minutes later she’d return to the group with a far-off look on her face. For the rest of class, and sometimes even carrying on into the next morning, we would never hear the end of it.

This went on for years and it never ceased to amaze me how concerned she was over her grades. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I get that grades are important, but they aren’t worth ruining your entire day over. Why does anything less than perfect have to be cause for a scene? Why can’t she just be content with 94%?

I guess if there was any consolation, she did get accepted into the program she was aiming for upon graduation. But the greatest irony, was that my other friend who studied about half as much, stressed very little about his grades, and received B+’s and A’s — was accepted into the exact same program.

Personally, I’m far from a perfectionist. So it was always difficult for me to grasp the mindset of someone who is. Nevertheless, as I’ve gotten older I’ve become well aware that we should be aiming to get better and pursue excellence wherever possible. The problem that I have faced, and I think many of us do as well, is that we view perfectionism through this neurotic, results-obsessed, neat-freak lens. And as a result, being a perfectionist gets a bad rap.

But here’s a question for you: what if there are two kinds of Perfectionism?

What if you can aim for being perfect, without all the crazed over analyzing that Perfectionism is plagued with.

Strivers and Concerners

I’ve spent a lot of time around high-performers. I’ve played with them, coached them, watched them, and even seen glimpses of a high-performer in myself. And if I were to sum up what makes these people unique I would certainly not describe them as perfectionists. Although they aim for excellence and certainly get no satisfaction from failure, they are not obsessed with being perfect.

Rather, if I were to give these people a title that would perfectly encapsulate their mindset, I would call them Strivers. The reason being is that although perfection is on their mind and it’s a goal they perpetually aim for, it’s not their main concern. They are simply striving for the standard of perfect and then accepting of the results that follow.

For the longest time, psychological experts regarded perfectionism as a one-dimensional personality characteristic. However, psychological theory and research in the past couple decades has since progressed to a view of perfectionism as a multidimensional and multifaceted characteristic. Evidence indicates that two major dimensions of perfectionism should be differentiated.  These are known as ‘‘perfectionistic strivings’’ and ‘‘perfectionistic concerns.’’

For the sake of simplicity and consistency, I will refer to these two types of people as Strivers and Concerners from here on out.

Now, what are the differences between these two types of perfectionists? Here is a quick overview:

Strivers:

• Posses perfectionistic personal standards
• Self-oriented striving for perfection
• Higher levels of overall life satisfaction
• Better academic performance
• More related to positive characteristics, process, and outcomes such as:
  • Conscientiousness
  • Endurance
  • Positive affect

Concerners:

• More obsessed with mistakes and doubts over actions
• Concerned about other’s evaluations of one’s performance
• Lower levels of satisfaction with life
• Rely heavily on self-blame
• Less satisfied with achievements, regardless of good or bad results
• Related to negative characteristics process, and outcomes such as:
  • neuroticism
  • low self-esteem
  • negative affect
  • anxiety
  • depression

“Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.”

-Lao Tzu

When I first read about these differentiations, I was blown away. You mean perfectionism doesn’t have to be labelled a bad thing?!? Instantly, I couldn’t help but think of my high school friend. She was a clear cut Concerner — no doubt about it. 

• Obsessed over mistakes? Check.
• Concerned about opinions of others? You bet!
• Neurotic? Better believe it.

And I think if we’re being honest, we have all experienced these Concerner tendencies from time to time. We all want to be perfect yet find ourselves going about it in the wrong way. We are concerning ourselves with perfect, rather than striving for it.

All of this really got me thinking. Is there a way to overcome this concerned mentality and better cope with stress of performance? Could there have been a way for my friend, and for the rest of us to aim for striving for perfect rather than being concerned about it?

“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!”

-Olin Miller

Coping with Failure

In a study titled Perfectionism and coping with daily failures: positive reframing helps achieve satisfaction at the end of the day (Joachim Stoeber and Dirk P. Janssen) researches wanted to know how these two types of perfectionism (striving and concerning) might use different coping strategies when dealing with failures. Along with that, they wanted to dig into the underlying affects of coping strategies when it comes to people’s satisfaction.

In other words, how do Strivers and Concerners respond to different forms of coping strategies.

The study was simple, gather a bunch of students, assess whether they were Strivers or Concerners, get them to write down their most bothersome daily experience, and apply different coping strategies.

Among the many coping strategies applied there were 6 that ended up having negative effects on satisfaction and 3 that proved to be helpful:

Negative Effect on Satisfaction

• Social support
• Denial
• Venting
• Behavioral disengagement
• Self-blame
• Self-distraction

Of all these, the one that stands out the most is social support. But as other research suggests, sometimes relying too heavily on visible social support creates a dependency on others to solve our problems and in fact creates more stress when they aren’t around.

Positive Effect on Satisfaction

• Positive reframing
• Acceptance
• Humor

Here’s the thing, as I read the results of this study and went through the list of negative coping strategies, I thought back to times that I’ve applied each and every one. I’ve relied on others too much, denied, vented, blamed, and even just tried finding ways to distract myself from reality. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all gone about applying these different coping tactics in frustrating times. And looking back now, we can all agree that although some of them may have felt good for a moment, they didn’t lead to a positive change in our lives.

On the flipside, when we look at the three positive strategies, we can all remember a time where reframing, accepting, or just laughing at something was able to drastically effect the change on our perception of a failure.

And at the end of the day, being “perfect” and coping with failure comes down to something simple:

A Choice.

We all posses Striver and Concerner tendencies. And some of us lean more towards one than the other. We might worry about what others think rather than focus on our personal standards. We sometimes blame ourselves too often instead of accepting that failure is part of growth.

Yes, it’s true that some of us are more prone to the Big 5 Personality Traits like conscientiousness or neuroticism, and these are traits that can be difficult to develop or change. But one of the best ways to over come traits, such as neuroticism, is in fact to practice optimistic thinking.

“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.”

-Vince Lombardi

The way I see it (and so do the experts) there is very little to gain from negative coping strategies and a ton to pull from the positive ones. With that being said, we should all consider bringing in more of these three strategies into our lives and making them a habit. But once again, it starts with a conscious choice.

You have to decide to accept, reframe, or find the humour in a difficult situation. No one else can do that for you.

When and how to cope with daily failure

Every day you are going to encounter setbacks, failure, adversity, and challenges. And if you aren’t, it means you’re either living in a bubble or you’re not exposing yourself to enough discomfort. But if you are running into these failures of life, you are probably wondering how on earth you can overcome them. What practice can you apply to be more of a Striver, rather than a Concerner?

Well, if you’ve been paying any attention to what I’ve been saying and you know what I create here at Daily Athlete, then you might already know the answer.

Use a journal.

Why? Because in order for a way of thinking to become habit, you first have to practice it. And in order to practice you need triggers that remind you to practice. And if you are going to be triggered you need something physical that changes your behaviour. Thus I suggest a journal. Or a notebook, piece paper, an app or just something you can write on every day. At least just to get started.

You got your journal? OK. Now, in this journal I want you to ask yourself two simple questions at the end of every day.

1. What was today’s greatest challenge?
2. What did I learn from it?

That’s it. Before your head hits the pillow, name that failure that caused you concern and reframe it into a learning experience. I don’t care what is it. Find that thing that hurt you today, look at it from another angle, and move on.

Not only will you be applying the coping strategy of acceptance, but you will be putting a positive spin on something negative. And if you like, you can even try to find something humorous in the situation.

But what you can’t allow yourself to do is get concerned.

At the end of the day, being a Striver is something that takes time to develop. And cultivating a mindset of positivity doesn’t happen in a day. So, if you struggle with Concerner tendencies, start with a journal and build from there. Make it a habit to find a lesson in your challenges and eventually this will become second nature.

Helping Your Own Neurotic Highschool Friend

As you were reading this article you probably found yourself nodding along at certain points. Either because you know people who are classic Concerners, as well as some a-typical Strivers. You probably see yourself bouncing back and forth between the two. But no matter which camp you lean towards we can all take something away.

First, being a perfectionist is not a bad thing. In fact, when done in the right way it can lead to a greater feeling of life satisfaction along with higher levels of achievements (both on and off the court). And second, let’s remember that no one is beyond repair – not even you.

I wish I knew this information back in high school because I would have loved to help my friend. Such a simple shift in coping could have made such a huge difference. Now, obviously I can’t go back in time, but maybe you can help someone else today. Or perhaps you can help yourself.

Start seeing challenges for what they truly are. Opportunities to learn and get better next time. It’s a simple idea, but one that takes practice if we want to make it a mental habit.

-Derek